When does lying not matter ?

I joined Facebook in 2006 as a way to keep up with the lives of friends I knew locally. As time past, it quickly gained speed in the circles I was in, and suddenly Facebook afforded me the opportunity to catch up with old friends in the same manner as only reunions could have before.

I'm sure many of you can relate to the fact that my children are deeply fascinated with the details of my social engagements and friendships. Admittedly, it was fascinating as a child to eavesdrop on the adult conversations that happened around our house. In similar manner, I can't think of a time I've been on Facebook where one of my preteen children hasn't quickly made their way to the computer to read my news feed asfastastheycan before I shewed them away. Facebook is fun. There's games, there's pictures, there's video links, funny stories, and inside jokes that involve people the family knows.

When my eldest preteen child began asking me to get a Facebook account earlier this year, I wasn't surprised. She had been telling me that many of her friends were on Facebook for awhile. Facebook has become so much of the fabric of how we communicate these days. Her request was somewhat benign, like asking for an email account. Security and monitoring features in place...check. What else is left to do? Enter birth date....wait, what?

The Facebook minimum age requirement is 13 years old. Interesting. Dilemma. Excellent social tool, yes. Old enough to start an account, no. Now, the dilemma unfolds. Do I as a parent lie for her, or indicate to her to go ahead and lie herself?

I posted this dilemma on Facebook as I was sorting this all through. The responses I got where varied, as one would suppose. I began to see the layers of logic. The first logic layer begins something like this: Is lying o.k.? Your options: Always, Never, and .................somewhere in between. No one that I heard from would agree to always lie. What logically was left: Option 1: Never and Option 2: Sometimes is fine.

Sometimes. Sometimes is a difficult option in logic. In parenting, one of the things we repeatedly counsel young parents to do is be consistent. If you tell a child they will get a reward or a consequence for doing something, then do it. Pick your hills to die on, then make sure you win and win decisively. Nothing creates more turmoil in a child's heart and in homes then inconsistency in follow-through. Consistency is HARD for us parents. Because we get tired, we get burned-out with work, people hurt us, we get tired...and more tired. There are times when my husband and I have went to our kids and apologized to them for seasons when we were lax, and struggled to be consistent with our parenting. We knew it wasn't fair to them, to keep changing the rules.....spontaneously......whenever we felt.....tired.

Sitting down at the computer, faced with a belief system in front of Facebook. Never, Sometimes. The thoughts run..."Will it really matter? Can't I just do it, and ask forgiveness later? They aren't young children any more. Surely they understand that this type of lie doesn't matter; it's the big ones they better not try."

Sometimes....when are children old enough to determine the "some" times?
When they are 12, and they glance at the person's test paper next to them ("That's what I thought the answer was anyway.")
When they are 14, and they sneak some cash out of a parent's purse ("She would have given it to me if I would have asked.")
When they are 16, and they tell you they went where they said they would go. ("She doesn't need to know about Jordan's house. That was just an extra stop.")
When they are 18, and the boss asks for their time card ("Last Friday was on the house. For all the grief he's given me lately, he can pay me to leave early.")
If I would take a poll of parents, even these things would be hotly debated as to which ones go in the category of a Sometimes.

As a family, it's important to us to have a standard to raise our children. We use the Bible as that standard. One of these passages is I Samuel 15. In this passage, the Lord tells Saul clearly to do something. Saul mostly does it, but blames the people when he's confronted by the prophet Samuel for not doing it completely. In several statements, Saul even claims to have obeyed the Lord. Having heard enough excuses, Samuel conveys the consequence, leading out with this (from The Message): Then Samuel said, Do you think all God wants are sacrifices— empty rituals just for show? He wants you to listen to him! Plain listening is the thing, not staging a lavish religious production.
Samuel then tells Saul that the Lord is going to remove him from being King of Israel.

Saul mostly obeyed, but Saul got a swift and significant consequence. Perhaps, Saul thought it was a Sometimes.

This is one of the Bible passages that we use when we teach our children not to lie. The Lord is clear with what He requires: obedience. Plain, and simple. From me to Him; and from my kids, to me, to Him. We've worked hard to teach the kids that lying isn't just lying, but being deceptive, shifting blame to others, exaggerating, etc. are also forms of lying. In the Lord's eyes, there aren't any Sometimes. We shalt not do it.

So, when faced with a small decision that opens up a big opportunity for my child, I choose to wait until she's 13. Because one small step like fabricating a birth date would undermine my own work, my own integrity with my kids to live a life of honesty and to lead them to do likewise. It seems like such a little inconsequential decision, but I would venture to say that it's those things that mark their young minds.

Does what I say match what I do? That always matters. Guaranteed.

My Desert Song

One of my current favorite worship songs is: Desert Song by Hillsong. My son was listening to it the other day on Pandora and asked me what the song was about. With an "I'm so glad you asked" mindset, I tried to describe to him how there are times when we struggle to understand what God is doing around us. We might feel discouraged, confused, and have more questions than answers about something important to us.

Then, in a roll-reversal moment, he plainly stated an observation about deserts that taught me more than I probably imparted to him that day. "Well, yah Mom. That makes sense, because what else is there to do in the desert but ride a camel and drink water from a cactus."

In my struggles to understand what the Lord is doing, I am often only searching to drink at an oasis. They're beautiful, lush, refreshing .... They're also very few in the desert. I want to pass up the prickly opportunities to be nourished along the way hoping that an oasis will be just around the corner. My son's comment was a reminder to me that the Lord often supplies refreshment in the most unlikely and thorny of places. The thorns of the cactus make me not want to touch it. "Stay Away!" They shout. "I'll hurt you!" Then, I think. "Lord, you can't possibly want to use this to bring me closer to you. It's painful. I don't want to be uncomfortable."

Yet, here's the thing. As a child, I didn't understand how to handle the thorns of a cactus. They looked small and non-threatening. A few pokes later, I reasoned that the gardening tools my mother was using were a pretty good idea. There is a word for this: Wisdom. It's the same way in our deserts. When the thorny opportunities come to us, there are tools to cut into such things. I just need to choose to use them. If I choose not to pick up the Word of God and read it, I get stuck by the thorns. If I choose not to cultivate prayer time, I get stuck by the thorns.

Wandering in a spiritual desert is a difficult time. Our discouragement may make it difficult for us to do the very things that will give us water to drink. I was in that place again recently, and I'm grateful that I picked up my sword. The cacti are coming open a lot easier again.

Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

John 4:13-14 Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

Will you go with me?

The very words used to make my stomach turn. Will you go with me? Check the box: yes...no...maybe. What to do, what to do. How could there be so many big decisions in 4th grade!

26 years later not much has changed, has it? Except, it's my daughter's turn this time, and Momma thought for sure she had this one figured out. Been there, done that... It really caught me by surprise, though, to tell the truth. How could she be old enough to be asked that? How can I remember feeling that way? Are those really white hairs I see in the mirror?...... A boy in her class had asked her right in front of her classmates. She politely declined as she had no interest in the boy anyway, but was largely embarrassed by the attention and the questions that followed from all those who saw the interaction. As she told me about it after school that day, my initial response and advice was focused on how to let the boy down nicely, how to handle these things with the help of friends, how not to worry about what others think, etc. The bigger picture never occurred to me.

How is there a bigger picture? This is only 4th grade after all. What's the big deal? They're just trying out relationships, right? Practice dating, crushes, going steady....isn't it all o.k.? Didn't we do that?

I have been telling my daughter for the past year or so to guard her heart. Sure, she "likes" some boys more than others, and whenever we talk about those feelings I encourage her to guard her heart, don't spend too much time thinking about it, enjoy being a kid. I tell her that she will spend so many days, weeks, months and years of her life wanting to have a boyfriend, be in a relationship, and get married that the wait can seem so very long at times. The sooner that road starts, the longer the trip. Yet, when it came to "checking the going-out-with-me box", I thought it was cute. I mean, they weren't going to go on an actual "date", right? I totally missed the point.

Later on that week I was talking to a new friend of mine with daughters around the same age as mine. I was asking her what they are doing with the going out topic in their household. She shared that their girls won't be "going with" anyone until they are old enough to individual date. We talked about how children are forced and sometimes encouraged to grow up faster and faster these days. Almost as if the moms are living vicariously through their children. Her sister works in an E.R. in a large city. Within the past year, this sister has helped deliver babies of two different 9 yr. old mothers!! What?!?!

She challenged me to think about how encouraging a 4th grader to have a boyfriend really didn't help to guard her heart, even if it appeared harmless. We both agreed that our children are and will continue to do activities with groups of friends that have guys and girls. I know that I have great memories of that!!! And I want that for my children as well, and for as long as possible, without the pressure to pair off.

I am so grateful for friends who challenge me to think beyond my own experience. My life, and that of my children, is so much richer for it!

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. (Prov. 4:23 NLT)

T.V. Takes a Time-out

This year more than ever before I have felt the desire to limit the amount of T.V. intake and influence there is in our lives. I think I can identify a few of the reasons: Our oldest daughter began attending public school this year (4th gr.) rather than continuing with homeschool. Our oldest son would live in a T.V. if he could. Our youngest son is doing most things are oldest son is doing. Our kids are involved in a few evening activities in addition to Wed. evening AWANA fun.

When the weather was nice, the T.V. was much less of an issue. The 3 older kids would head outside as quick as they could after school to check out what the newest was with the neighborhood gang. But if the weather was bad and the T.V. was on, the black box was the center of attention, and most often the only discussion had to do with who had the remote and what show to watch next. I found myself wishing for nice days, because I liked what it afforded my children in their relationships with each other.

As I mentioned earlier, my son's world wouldn't be more complete if it had another piece of media in it. Tech-y someday he will be. We've kept a close eye on what the kids are watching on T.V. So the actual shows themselves weren't my concern with him. What I did notice was a decrease in his ability to focus if he had just finished watching a few shows on T.V., an increase in complaints about being bored, and a lack of awareness of his surroundings (baby sister near him who had something she shouldn't have). Yuck!

I was reluctant to do anything dramatic. I hadn't thought through a plan yet, and I really wanted them to experience the value in having less T.V. as well. So as the nice days decreased, and fall weather began to settle in, I began an internal experiment (I didn't tell anybody else about it :-)). When the kids would ask to have the T.V. on in the afternoon, I started saying 'No, not today. Go find a game to go play or a book to read ... or I could give you work to do.' As this continued, they began to ask less until one day I began to say 'We're not going to have the T.V. on in the afternoon during the week anymore.' Eventually too, we left the T.V. off until the kids went to bed and then my husband and I would turn it on after that.

So here is what I've noticed since we began this new routine:

As our daughter would come home from school and complete her homework, I began noticing that our sons were glad to see her. Eager to tell her about their day, to hear about this other world called 'public school', or to recruit another worthy opponent for a game, they were having a really hard time waiting for their big sister to join them. They enjoy spending time with each other more now. Perhaps it's because now they have enough time to have conflict and resolve it, instead of harboring it.

My media attached child has a new love: reading. He had been enjoying the various eye witness series books which are full of wonderful pictures that we would snatch up at the library, but I couldn't get him to pick up chapter books on his own for free reading. He is a fine reader, but he is a 7 yr. old boy who struggles with focus and follow-through. Toys and T.V. were a much better option in his mind. Now he can't get enough of 'Secret Agent Jack Stalwart'. I'm so proud of him!

The dust has been blown off of board games. Toys have been brought to me with long dead batteries. The basement is constantly a mess from block towers, car race tracks, legos, scrabble tiles, dress-ups. It's funny how when they were toddlers I couldn't wait until they didn't pull toys out everywhere, but now as elementary kids I'm so thankful that they do.

My daughter is sharing in more detail about her day at school. And, I, as her mom, don't want to miss a thing. I'm enjoying her so much more now too. How can 10 seem so old?

Tomorrow starts the weekend, so we will have on 'Saturday morning cartoons' (as if!! It's really what they have recorded on the DVR all week.), and College Footbal Gameday (Go Hawks!). The experiment was worth it for us, and I don't think we are going back to the old days. There is an unexpected, noticeable freedom that has come to our home.

"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. I Corinthians 6:12

What I'm doing to build immunity for the season

I've gotten a lot of questions lately regarding what we are doing to build up everyone's immune systems for the cold/flu season. I've got my plan together now, so I thought I'd share it.

1. Water. Everyone is going to drink more water. I think a few of us are truly camels in our family, so those especially will be challenged by this. For me, I bought one of those BPA-free 2 L personal water jugs to drink from so that I reach my goal of 100 oz. in a day.

2. Echinacea. For preventative use, my daughter attending public school is taking a double dose once a day 5 days a week. 5 days on with 2 days off during the weekend keeps her immune system sharpened. Currently, she is using Viramune by Trilight Health. I also recently placed an order for a highly rated Echinacea product form iherb.com. It is called: Esberitox. This product is new for us, but I'm looking forward to trying out their chewable form. For treatment of colds, depending on how well each of us fights off the cold, we start the echinacea in some form. If the kids shake it off pretty quick, then I don't give them any. If they seem to be struggling and are running a fever, then I start the echinacea.

3. TrilightHealth.com is a long time favorite herbal company of mine. We have used it for 10 years now. My favorites to keep on hand: Viramune (for basic colds), Scout Out (for colds that turn worse, especially for us adults), Throat Care (by far, the best sore throat soother around...my kids ask for it every time and I always grab for it...even throughout the night), UrinaryTone w/cranberries (has always done a better job than antibiotics for UTIs for me.) My husband was very skeptical when I first started using these. He used to laugh and tell me that he wasn't going to 'drink grass' to get better. However, we have been antibiotic free for 5 years now, and I am convinced these have helped. He is now a regular proponent of these herbs and uses them himself.

4. Probiotics. Since the colon is one of the first lines of internal defense against viruses/bacteria, our entire family will be on this all year long. It's safe for all ages. We are currently using Jarro-Dophilus + FOS by Jarrow Formulas. It also has received very reliable ratings at iherb.com. With some many probiotics on the market, it is really important to get one that actually makes it alive to the colon. One of the things I have really liked about this product is that the capsules are small enough for my 10 and 7 year old to swallow whole, and of course, I just sprinkle it on applesauce, etc. for my 4 and 1 year old.

5. Vitamin D!! The research available now is so compelling regarding the connection between Vitamin D and immunity to colds/flu. The current recommendations in multi-vitamins appear to not be enough. From the research I could find online, it appears that a good maintenance amount per day (include all sources: milk, multi-vits, other vits.) is 4000 IU for adults, 2000 IU for children (1000 for toddlers). Adults should take 15,000 IU for three days at the onset of a cold. Again, I found products at iherb.com that I am excited to try. For the kids, Rainbow Light Vitamin D 1000 IU Sunny Gummies. For my husband and I, Bluebonnet nutrition, Vitamin D3, Natural Lanolin Source 1000 IU. If the kids are outside for more than a good hour in the day, then I will back down their necessary amount by 500 IU. Through the late spring to early fall, I won't be supplementing with extra vitamin D for my older children, since they are outside so much. If they are using sunscreen that day (i.e. at the beach), then I will give them extra vitamin D since sunscreen prevents Vitamin D absorption from the sun.

6. Multi-vitamins. I almost forgot the obvious! The kids are taking Animal Parade (comes in liquid and chewable forms). I am taking New Chapter Organics. These both are made from whole food sources. I like that since the body recognizes them as food and thus these have a higher absorption rate. That is why the % will be lower in these than in manufactured vitamins. My husband is taking Source Naturals Life Force Multiple. We have ordered these from amazon.com and have found them at our local health food store.

There are plenty of vitamin and supplement options out there, and a lot of them are not good or effective at all. Not all vitamins are created equal, so make sure you do your research and ask around about good ones for your family. Staff at local health food stores can be very helpful with this. Also, check online sites for ratings and see what people are saying about them. Dr. Mercola's site is a site that I often check to see what his opinion is on things. It's good to be informed and balanced when spending money and hoping things will work.

Whew! Well that's our plan.